Ask For What You Want.

I am not a mind reader and neither is Dave.

Since mind reading is off the table, we have to ask for what we want.  Or need.  Or can’t live without.

I know this doesn’t make sense if you live in the magical land of fairy tales and Twilight novels where everyone is clairvoyant and sparkly.  If you’re living in that place, you are totally justified in getting upset when your partner doesn’t know, say, your very favorite cake {vanilla with chocolate frosting} or that gift {oh look, a list!} you would love more than anything.  I mean at the very minimum, they should be able to figure it out when you’ve hinted at something six months ago.  Right? 

I’ll break it down for you though, by sharing my own stupidity.  Sharing is caring, people.

I spent the first five, give or take, Christmases with Dave disappointed because they didn’t meet my expectations.  Sometimes I was angry, sometimes I cried, but there was always just an undercurrent of demoralized frustration.  That part was Dave.  So, I make a big deal about Christmas.  I spend hours thinking of the perfect gift that I know he’ll love.  I wrap everything with pretty coordinated paper and make cookies and stand in line at the Delta counter during a freak snowstorm with a lot of pissed off people to get tickets to New Orleans.  His stocking is filled with fun things to make him laugh and his favorite sweets.

He should just get it!  Why doesn’t he get it?

Because I never told him.  Instead, I acted like a lunatic and he?  He chalked it up to the fact that Christmas makes me moody and irrational.  How would he know any different?

It took him saying, “Michelle, I feel like shit every Christmas!  I can’t make you happy!”  And me yelling back, “Yes you can! I just want you to make an effort and not shop for whatever last minute, stupid thing you find on Christmas Eve and don’t even wrap!  It’s a big deal to me!”   He had never even thought about it because while he appreciates that I go the extra mile, Christmas just isn’t a big deal for him.   That single, ten minute conversation was all it took.  No joke.  He steps it up for Christmas and I keep a Pinterest board full of things I’d love to open so he doesn’t have to spend three hours guessing in the lingerie department at Cacique. 

OK, Christmas is just a trivial example.

It is saying, “let’s figure out our budget,” instead of secretly seething that she spends money on lunch out with friends while you save every penny. 

It’s knowing and sharing exactly what you crave in bed.  If you don’t say something, how are you going to get it?  Live with an unsatisfying sex life?  Have an affair and get a divorce? 

Instead of waiting for him to notice you’re angry as you’re stomping around the house, it’s saying, “I am upset right now.  I need you to fix this.”  And then letting him have the opportunity to correct the problem. 

It’s not doing it all yourself and throwing it in his face that he ‘doesn’t do anything’ to help instead of saying, “I need your help getting the house picked up.” 

Imagine the possibilities and repeat after me… I am obligated to communicate my own needs.  I am not a martyr.  I am not passive aggressive.  I’m an equal partner, responsible for my own happiness.  I communicate with my partner.  I ASK FOR WHAT I WANT.

And I get it.