50 Shades of WTF + A Giveaway.

I just read 50 Shades of Grey.  I thought about reading it after my two sisters talked non-stop about the books.  They were raving about how much they were sucked in and couldn’t put the trilogy down.  There were tales of text conversations between the two of them that they were not eating or sleeping because they couldn’t stop reading. 

I really didn’t feel like reading the book.  Three-quarters of you might hate me for this statement, but I am going to say it anyway… I wasn’t a fan of Twilight.  OK, wait, I WAS a fan of Twilight, I blazed through the first two books, but then I got half way through the third book and hated it.  So, I put it down and didn’t look back.   Every time I talk to a Twi-Hard they look at me, mouths agape at the tragedy of this.  Let’s add insult to injury here and say that Robert Pattison freaks me the fuck out, he looks like a creep so I haven’t watched the movies either.  No matter how many times my sister Elise calls him a dimepiece, he still reminds me of a dirty carnie. 

Where was I?

Oh yes, so all of the hype was that this was Twilight inspired fan fiction.  Which obvs?  I wanted to avoid like the plague.  Initially I thought it was another vampire book.  So, I didn’t get the book.  I ignored the hype blazing all over the internet.  And then, didn’t get the book some more.

And then my sister said my MOM was going to read it.  So, I felt legally obligated to read it because hello?  My mother reading smut?  It’s like hell hath frozen over, my friends.

I caved.

Dave went to pick up the book Friday night after I asked all of you your thoughts on Facebook.  He also came home laughing that the book was in the romance section.  Here he was, a dude perusing the romance section on a Friday night, he’s pretty sure it cost him his man-card.

I cracked it open and started reading.

The book sucks, people. 

Yes, the sex is totally hot and the story is decent, if totally unbelievable.  BUT, it’s so poorly written that I can’t get past the inconsistencies and half-thoughts.  I’m pretty sure the grammar would send my friend Emily right over the edge.

It is as bad as reading this blog… yeah, THAT bad. 

I mean if you take it for what it is, which is p0rn, you’re good.  But if you’re expecting an actual book because you’ve paid money and someone has actually published and {you assume} EDITED the thing… well, you’d be better off surfing the 6,270,000 p0rn fiction sites on the net and get your goods for free.  Yes, I Googled, there are that many.  Who knew?

You all have assured me that the second book is so much better, so I am borrowing a copy and giving it a chance.  I do want to see how the story ends, but I’m hoping the second doesn’t have me tearing my hair out.

And so you don’t have to buy it, I’m passing my copy on to one of you!  This is a quickie {much like the sex between Christian and Ana} leave a comment and I will pick a winner tomorrow night (5/1) at 11:59 pm.

 

THE WINNER IS KAREN, COMMENT #7…. Well, really it was Emily Comment #1, but she didn’t want it…. then it was LaurenLeigh Comment#11, but she’s already reading it.   But then it was KAREN!

Infertility Awareness Week.

I felt like a piece of my very being was missing.  And something so simple, something you have been painstakingly preventing your entire life until you were finally “ready,” is held out of your reach no matter how much you stretch to grasp it.

It doesn’t just go away when you have a child.  Or two children.  Or five children.  The pain, it’s still there.

It is excruciating and I wish it didn’t happen to anyone.

But it did. 

It happened to me. 

And to Bea.  And Laura.  And Ashlee.  And Amy.  And Stace.  And Lisa.  And Rachel.

And probably someone you know and care about.

When it Rains.

I’ve been super lucky that at 87 and 88 years old, both of my Grandmothers are healthy and living on their own.  I know it is a rare thing and I am incredibly thankful.

Meme, my mom’s mom, decided to give up driving this year because she just wasn’t comfortable behind the wheel anymore.  Other than that, they are both ridiculously mobile and healthy for being two old chicks.  GramCrackers, my dad’s mom, is still as feisty at 87 as she was at 67. 

Anyone that meets her knows, this a blessing AND a curse.

Saturday, they were both at Finnegan’s birthday party, talking and laughing and having a great time.

Sunday, they were BOTH in the hospital.  There is really nothing in the world that can take the wind out of your sails more than getting a phone call that GramCrackers had fallen down the stairs at her house.  But then, eight hours later, an emergency call that Meme felt like she was having a heart attack completely sent me over the edge. 

We didn’t sleep much Sunday night. 

Gram apparently skipped a step and went tumbling down ten or so stairs.  She has three broken ribs and a broken scapula along with a fair amount of bumps and bruises and scrapes to go along with it.  She’s incredibly sore and they want to keep her for nearly a week.

They are still running tests and trying to figure out just what happened to Meme.  The tests are {thankfully} all coming back good so far.  She’ll be coming home tonight.

Thankfully they are both at the same hospital, so visits have just meant an elevator ride and short walk.

So there is that.

Send good thoughts, please.  Meme and GramCrackers could certainly use them.

Five?

Daddy and I are so incredibly proud of the young man you are becoming Finnegan.  I can’t believe that five years ago you came screaming into our lives and added unimaginable joy {and tons of sleepless nights} to our family.

Happy 5th Birthday, my favorite boy in the whole world.

Yeaaaah Tag Team, Back Again.

My husband thankfully doesn’t buy into the whole “you’re home with the kids, so the kids are your responsibility” thing.  The Davester is a team player.  Mostly.  Which is great in the middle of the night when you’ve just gone to bed and you’re up an hour later.  And two hours after that.  And another hour after that.

We’re having sleeping issues up in this piece.

Our poor little Tay has been sick for the last two weeks and that means, no sleep for anyone.  Well, Finn could likely sleep through a bomb going off in the house, so he’s blissfully unaware of her night time antics.  The Davester and I though? 

Up. 

A lot.

Sick babies are the suck.  You feel so terribly for them because they can’t take anything, they can’t communicate that they feel awful, and they just want to be held.  

She coughs and wakes herself up.  She sneezes and wakes herself up.  She tosses and turns and wakes herself up.  He gets her and I nurse her to sleep or pat her back and hold her.  Or I go get her and he makes a bottle.  When she falls back asleep, he quietly carries her back to her crib. 

She finally slept peacefully last night and the Davester is so paranoid that she hasn’t been up, he wakes up in the middle of the night and checks on her just to make sure she’s ok.  I was so tired, I slept right through it.

Remember Honey, when being up all night meant something fun? 

Yeah, me too.

36.

Finn asked me yesterday if I was going to look REALLY old today.  And then he asked me if I was going to have a Strawberry Shortcake party.

I was 19 years old when my mom turned 36.

I’m not sure which is more grey hair inducing… having a 19 year old or having a 9 month old.  Either way, you’re not getting a lick of sleep.

It sure feels a lot younger than I thought it would when I was 19.  Thirty-six felt so OLD.  It’s almost forty.  Forty!  Forty meant that my mom had one foot in the grave.

It never ceases to make me laugh thinking about what an idiot I was when I was young.

Spring Break.

Ahhh spring break, you are finally over.  I can’t say that I am going to miss you terribly.  We spent 95% of you with a sick baby Tate, Finn not wanting to put any clothes on and watching too much tv, a stir crazy Michelle and the Davester working.  By Thursday night, I’d had enough.  I called my sister Elise in Lexington and asked her if she wanted some visitors for Friday and Saturday. 

Any time I dangle the kids in front of her, she’s a goner.

So I packed up the family truckster with a trunk full of Lord knows what baby gear and off we went. 

Now listen here, I pride myself on being a good great traveller, we made it in Europe for two weeks with just a rollaboard each.  I don’t know what happens after someone has children but the gear for those little munchkins is like two hundred fold what a grown up can get away with. 

As evidence I offer this.  See that suitcase full of clothes?  Totally not the right stuff and not nearly enough for the little one that puked on herself both on the way there and the way home.  Thank you Carter’s Outlet {in a torrential downpour} for saving our butts.  The camera?  Not even used once {thank you Instagram} the whole trip.  We didn’t use the stroller either since Aunt Lisey wanted to carry her all the time.

The trip, albeit totally short, was just what we needed.  I had a great early birthday dinner at Saul Good.  We got to attend a brunch for Mom’s Weekend at Elise’s sorority since Colleen was in Florida. 

We went to the Liquor Barn.  I drank red bull and cotton candy vodkas with my sister and her roommates.  We spent a ridiculous amount of time laughing and a ridiculously small amount of time sleeping. 

It was like being back in college again. 

Except I’m old.  And have kids.  And a Davester.  And an SUV with a serious amount of crap in it.

Settle a disagreement between the Davester and I… did you go on vacation for Spring Break when you were a kid?  Do you take your school aged kids on vacation for their break?

Call Me Cam.

I came to the realization last night that I am Cam from Modern Family.  Ok, so I am not a gay man, but everything else is a fit.  Not only am I the plumper, more creative, stay at home, less straight-laced partner in our marriage, but I have no filter.  Did you see the episode when Lily, their preschooler drops the F-bomb and Cam starts giggling uncontrollably?  Mitchell gives him the look.  You know the one that says, you are supposed to be a grownup!

Rest easy… Finn isn’t swearing.  Yes, yes, I know you’re shocked it hasn’t happened yet.  So, what inappropriate behavior has me in giggles as Dave gives me the look? 

We’re back to calling the Davester by his first name.  It went away for a few months, but now it’s back in full effect.  Not only that, but instead of Dave, Finnegan is calling his daddy, David. 

I am sorry.  It is funny.  I’m even laughing as I type this, it’s so ridiculous. 

He does it because he knows that Dave gets bent about it.  He asked me months ago if he could call me Michelle, so I told him he could.  I really don’t care, I call my mom Janet most of the time.  That was the end of that, he knew I didn’t care, so he’s never uttered anything other than Mama.   Dave on the other hand, made a big stink about it and got his little brain working and BAM. 

Instant way to get under David’s Daddy’s skin. 

I am pretty sure my laughing about it doesn’t help, but it’s just so damn funny.  He’s doing it in a completely natural, straight faced way that I find utterly hilarious.

I think Dave finds it a little funny too, but he’s so far into the stern parent role that he can’t go back now.  Oh, no, when Dave commits to something, he commits.  So instead, he has taken to the ignore it and hope it goes away approach. 

Did your kids ever do this?  {Someone PLEASE say I’m not the only one who laughs her ass off when this happens.}  Is there hope that Dave will return to being Daddy again soon?  How would you handle it? 

Scooby Doo Party Inspiration.

We have Finn’s 5th birthday coming up.  How is my baby FIVE years old? 

He was allowed to choose five friends this year and he made his bestie selections pretty quickly.

We’re going Scooby this year, Finn’s current obsession.  It will be complete with a giant sandwich and dog bowl serving dishes.  Here is our inspiration board, I can’t wait to show you all of the fun little details… right after I stop crying that he’s so freaking grown up. 

And she’s off.

So, this happened.

I have freak early walking children.  She’s been flirting with walking for the last month and Friday, she just decided that enough was enough.  Off she went.

Nine months. As long as it took for me to carry her. That is how long it took her to figure out how to get away from me.

My sweet daredevil girl.

Easter Weekend.

My kitchen Bunny and I dyed eggs and made the chow mein butterscotch chocolate nests.

 

 

Cousins enjoying the Easter egg hunt!

 

Easter present from Finnegan for Gigi who has a huge collection of ducks for the Jacuzzi tub.  I think she and Finn are up to 17 now.

Easter baskets.

 

The Bunny hid quarter filled eggs at Gigi’s house.

 

Tired, tired girl.

I hope yours was as sweet and chocolate filled.  {And not followed by the epic meltdown of a four year old with too much sugar that followed ours.}

Tough.

This one?  Lord help me for the teenage years.  She has zero fear and she likes to make her presence known. 

Mostly in the form of plowing through whatever is in her path to get where she wants to be.  She is a force to be reckoned with.  Poor Finn tries to be so patient with her, but she just tackles him and moves on with her day.

 

 

You lookin’ at ME?

Draw Something {That I Can Guess Correctly}

When my sister Elise was home from college over break, she talked me into downloading Draw Something.  It’s SO fun!  You have to play!  She also quit playing 5 wins into our streak.  She does this with every game… talks me into it, then quits.  It’s like she’s away at college, hanging out with her boyfriend El, and president of her sorority or something.  

Here is the premise, you get a choice of three words, easy medium and hard, but I think they are totally arbitrary assignments.  You draw and your friend guesses, then vice versa.  The two of you together see how long a winning streak you can make.  My longest streak is at 99 right now, not surprisingly it isn’t with the Davester who believes his drawings to be Picasos, which they are not.  As you get words right, you earn coins and can buy new colors since you start out with four and it sucks to try to draw an orange with black, blue, red, and green.  They give you the spaces and a small choice of letters to guess the answer so even if your drawer isn’t the best, you can sometimes still guess from the letters.

And sometimes not.

Does anyone know what a NARWAHL is because I guessed shamu, whale, dolphin, and a million other guesses before taking a pass on that sucker, sending my friend Chris and I back to zero.

My friends run the gamut from drawings that look like Finnegan drew them, to amazing artists who make you feel badly that you’ve never watched Lord of the Rings because OMG that is the BEST hobbit I’ve never seen, if only I didn’t think it was Scarface, sorry Brad for screwing up our streak! 

I have to also mention that in the game, the person can see your drawing in real time so if you screw up, they see it as it happens.  That sucks, but the cool thing about it is that you can make your drawing move too.  My friend Cheryl {and I wish I had thought to take video of this} added seeds in a pot of dirt and then made the plants grow.  It was very fun. 

There are also cheating bastards {I removed the name to protect the guilty!}

And awesome sauce HOBO drawers…

Here are some of my ridiculous drawings. {Please don’t mind the awful “I don’t have an iPhone” screenshots.} I am clearly not making any of the “best of” features that they show from all the drawings.

It seems like half the universe has the app.  Do you play?

 

Sleep Talking.

When I was younger, I would wake up screaming my head off in the middle of the night and scare the hell out of my mother.  It still makes me laugh just thinking about Janet being woken up by a twelve year old screaming her head off or talking away in the middle of the night.  Who does that?  I would also, after calming down, have an entire conversation with her and not remember a lick of it in the morning.  Not to mention the late night talks with my sister Lyndsey while totally asleep. 

The thing is, I don’t really remember being particularly scared or shaken like a night terror.  I’m not even sure when it started, it’s something I should probably ask my mom, but I feel like it’s just something I’ve always done.

When the Davester and I were dating, I would hum in my sleep alternated with giggling uncontrollably and talking about total nonsense while falling asleep. 

Yep, that wasn’t awkward at all…  How do you explain that? 

Um, hi, I’m a total fucking whackadoodle and a sleep talker so stay tuned for the hijinks to ensue.  Also, I really like you so don’t ask me anything while I’m asleep that might incriminate myself or make you not like me.  Ok thanks, have a good night and sweet dreams.

I’ve noticed that from time to time Finn will talk in the middle of the night in short little bursts too.  He hasn’t ever gotten out of bed or had a full conversation, so we’re hoping they’re isolated incidences.  But Tate?  She’s already at eight and nine months talking gibberish, which I guess isn’t really weird because she talks gibberish while she’s awake too, and humming away as she’s falling asleep.  Dave said it reminded him of how I used to fall asleep.

So, we have that to look forward to.

As I’ve gotten older, my sleep talking has lessened dramatically.  It still happens from time to time, usually when I am exhausted, worried, or sleeping in a strange place.  Mostly now it takes the form of humming in my sleep.  It’s a totally weird phenomenon, I can feel myself doing it as I am falling asleep, but I’m just in enough of a state of semi-consciousness that I can’t do anything about it.  It’s kind of how I imagine those horror stories about people who are actually awake during their surgeries and can feel all the pain, but can’t move feel.

Don’t you all just want to share a room with me somewhere?  Are you a sleep talker or have you ever met someone who was?

Best Month Ever = April.

Peeps, we’ve entered my birthday month.  Don’t all of you get excited at once now…  I’m turning 36 this year, I did the math on the calculator just to make sure we didn’t have a repeat of the year that I forgot how old I was for 67% of the year. 

We have April Fool’s Day, Easter, the start of baseball season, my aforementioned birthday loveliness, Finnegan’s birthday, and one of my besties Jackie’s birthday. We’ll gloss over Tax Day because it sucks and also happens to also be my birthday this year, so maybe it doesn’t suck that much and will, in fact, be awesome.

We got to start the month off right, Finnegan and I went to his friend Sophie’s circus themed birthday yesterday.  Sophie’s mom Noelle and I were talking about how long they’ve been friends, practically their entire lives, it is crazy how grown up they are getting.  {They were so tiny in this post from 2008, Finn was a year and Sophie was two.}  We stuffed ourselves full of snow cones and cupcakes and popcorn, yeah yeah there were healthy things too... Noelle thought of everything.  There were games and running around and it didn’t even matter that we were at a party full of girls, though I did get a glimpse of what our house will be like in 5 years and the girl toys and giggling alone makes me nervous as hell.

 

Ecstatic, clown nosed six year olds are the best.  Happy Birthday Miss Sophie!

What are you looking forward to in April?