Michelle’s Rules for Not Looking Like a Jerk on Facebook

1. When you write status updates in another language I want to unfriend you.  Oh, I don’t mean Finnish, French, or Austrian, those I get a kick out of, I mean what used to be something near English.  “ZOMG, i PaRteeeeeeeeeeeD toooooooooooooooOOOOo hArD tHiS weeeKenddddddd.  beeeEEEEEeeeeeer BoNgS aRe soooooooo kEwEL.”  It hurts my brain people.  HURTS my brain!
2. Don’t be passive aggressive.  If you have an issue with someone, email that person directly, hide them, or unfriend them.  Don’t write things like, “Swearing in posts is so unattractive.”  You know, because passive aggressive posts that make you sound like an uppity fussbudget bitch are so much more attractive.  “Some people are so rude,” or “I wish my friends didn’t suck.”  Um.  That isn’t going to gain you friends that don’t suck.  It’s going to gain you friends that are pissed.
3. If you post questionable material to your significant other, something along the lines of “I want to handle your man meat,” or anything else in the same realm, please know that anyone the two of you are friends with will read it.  While I am absolutely thrilled you “want to hump him like a sailor on leave,” his grandma probably didn’t need to know that.  Or his mom.  Or his aunt.  Or his boss.  It is even worse {and truthfully, really weird} if you actually understand how this works and you still post it.
4. If you are over the age of 25, and this is being generous, you should not use the word chillax.  Even more so if you use it several times a week.  Do you work at all?  I’m guessing by the sheer amount of chillaxing you’re doing, that answer is no. 
5. If you are going to post ignorant, racist, sexist, anti-gay, or anything that is blatantly mean, I am going to unfriend you right after posting you’re a big jerk on your wall.  As my friend Jackie beautifully illustrated, it is a social network not a platform for your views on politics, religion, sex or money.  Be nice.  People are different.  Don’t spread hate.
6. Don’t write horrible things about someone you’re friends with or dating.  Not only is it horribly rude, but everyone that reads your drama every other week will think you are an idiot for getting back together or staying friends with her after you aired her dirty laundry again and again and yet again.
7. If you post, “OMG I have the biggest secret!”  All of your friends will know you are either pregnant,  getting married, won the lotto, are moving, or got a new job.  We will also know you are an assclown.  Until you’re ready to announce your happy news, keep it to yourself.
8. If you are fifteen, please do not post anything about blow, weed, or hard ons.  Your sister will cringe and want to unfriend you even though she loves you very much and wants you and your cronies to be good upstanding young men.  This applies to you too Troy & Nolan.
9. Don’t be Midge.  Incidentally, that was a great big INTERVENTION fail on our part.  She is now up to more likes than I can count.  Here are some of my recent faves… "It's so fluffy I'm gonna die!! IT'S SO FLUFFAAAAAY!!", "I didn't do it"-"Then why are you laughing?"-"Cause, whoever did it is a freaking genius", "I kissed Bella....and she broke her hand....punching my face...", “How many times do i have to say "excuse me" before "get the fuck out of my way" becomes acceptable?”  She is also a fan of So Wonderful, So Marvelous on Facebook so I can’t be too mad.  {Pssst…. you should ‘like’ it too, when I get to 200 we’re going to do a giveaway!}

So, um, did I forget anything?